Well...no vowel needed to be bought for this one...O...M...G! What was that!? I was gagging through a good part of that last episode! I wonder if the people at ABC think that we are blind or just clueless. We could see the lost (and ridiculous) art of careful editing taking place on ABC's top-rated 'reality' show! Note that I use the word 'reality' very, VERY loosely. I will get to the the crazy mess of the phone call between Jake and Ali later in this entry. In the meantime, grab your instrument of choice and let's tear into the week of sun, fun and lord knows what else behind the closed doors of the fantasy suites as we do the virtual travel in time to St. Lucia!
The first date was with Gia. Jake admitted to stereotyping her in the beginning as the sexy, confident model, when she was actually very insecure. Jake was able to see that Gia was holding back and was hoping that she would finally open up to him on this date. We can always count on Jakey to have a cheesy line for the viewers..."Gia makes my heart skip a beat!". Yes, and no doubt she makes his blood pressure shoot up when she wears skimpy outfits as well!! ;)
Does everyone else get as annoyed as I do when Jake gushes about how 'amazing' these women are!? He gets zero for originality. I feel like we have a pause/play button with him. Have another coconut drink or 10, pal...and go easy on the rum. You need your strength for the fantasy suite later!! ;)
Gia's date was pretty lame by Bachelor standards at the beginning...heading out to the local market, dancing around in her cutoff shorts with flip-flops and wearing the necklace Jake bought for her. It would have been better if she wore a cute little sundress with kitten heels and flaunted her Maxim body for our horny little pilot. I also had to roll my eyes when he said he wanted to come back to St. Lucia for his honeymoon. Sure.....come back to the place where he wined, dined and sealed the deal with multiple women in one week. His future wife will be so proud! ;)
I will say that the date was stepped up by dinnertime...eating on the beach with the waves crashing in the background is a nice touch. Jake made Gia feel very comfortable and he hoped that she would feel safe and willing to open up to him more than she already has. I will say that I howled when he told Gia how surprised about how much depth she had to her because she is 'drop dead gorgeous'! Ummm...the girl has dated professional athletes and posed in skimpy lingerie. I hardly think she's using a Master's degree or PhD to pose in her not-so secret lingerie.
Cut to the hammock scene and cuddle time with the future Playboy bunny. We see Gia hesitating about telling Jake she is falling in love with him...what exactly she was waiting for, I have no idea. The guy is pouring out his personal feelings to her...but I think her mind was already wandering to the fantasy suite! Speaking of which...Jake whips out the card and lets Gia decide if she wants to go back with him. Duuuhhh...of course she accepts and they end up in the bubble bath together faster than her La Perla lingerie could come off! Jake's lines about how being with Gia is almost surreal and how "Gia has grabbed a hold of my heart so hard" were almost believable...but I think he had other thoughts on his mind than his emotions for the NYC diva. You can draw your own conclusions about what happened the rest of the night!
The next date was with Tenley. I have said this from the beginning and will say it again now. I think she is perfect for Jake. They look great together, they share the same values and morals, they have a ton of chemistry, and I'm not just talking about the sexual kind. They could be one of those couples who could be together for years, not just for ABC ratings and until the cheatinhg bubbles to the surface. Jake said it so well when he told the cameras 'I would have such a blessed life with her.', and 'We agree on so many things.'
Jake took Tenley on a two-hour helicopter ride over Rodney Bay and she gushes how she feels on top of the world when she is with Jake. After the ride, they go on a picnic that Jake sets up for her in the middle of the rainforest. We all know she was burned by her ex, so she asks Jake how he will pursue if he decides to choose her at the end of his journey to find love. He tells her how they will travel the world together, jump on a plane and fly away for adventures. She says how she can see then together and that she is very happy.
The date continues on a private, black sand beach and they share a lot of kisses and private moments - there's no doubting the fact that they make a very attractive couple! Jake is hoping that Tenley will open her heart to him. She is thinking about the fantasy suite and isn't sure if she is ready to take that leap of faith, due to what she experienced in the past.
Later at dinner, the two of them are very comfortable with each other and Tenley opens up to Jake about how much it means to her that she has this opportunity to be with him. She also says that she is ready to move on with her life and be with someone else. Tenley tells Jake that she is falling in love with him and he responds with a kiss and by asking her to dance. Jake knows how important dancing is to Tenley, and he tells the cameras that he started falling in love with her that day in the dance studio in Oregon..."I'm falling in love with this girl".
Jake offers Tenley the fantasy suite card form Chris Harrison and she happily accepts the invitation. He tells her that he 'absolutely cannot wait to watch our first sunrise', and she responds by saying 'I trust you with my heart.' That means a lot to him and he is happy that she trusts him and feels safe.
I don't know about all of you, but I was really hoping that the girl had a hell of a lot of fun in that room! My spidey sense feels that they became closer that night, but she stayed true to herself and didn't do anything she would regret down the road. Whatever she did...I still like this girl. She's a sweetie and not trashy like our pal Vienna. Speaking of the devil...
Ah, the wicked one from the south. Dear Vienna...according to Jake, she is so full of life and bold. His first instinct about her was that she would be the risky choice for him. Jake decided to forget about what everyone else said about her and get to know Vienna himself. Can anyone say Jillian and Wes!? Do people not learn from the mistakes of the past? In any event, Jake and Vienna meet up next and he is in need of the fun, immature side again. We hear Vienna say how she is falling in love with Jake as that ridiculously cheesey music played in the background. Jake takes Vienna on to the pirate ship that was used in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean and we watch them have some silly moments of Jake making Vienna walk the plank and jump into the water. Jake goes on about how they are very comfortable around each other and how Vienna puts him at ease.
Cut to the scene with the two of them having a serious makeout session on the ship and Jake talks about how rolling around with Vienna was smoking hot. I'm not doubting the natural chemistry between the two..that part is obvious. My doubts lie in the fact that these two would be able to have a lasting relationship, marriage, kids, the picket fence and carpools with mini-vans. If these two had kids, you know there would definitely be a booster car seat in the back for her pampered little dog, too!!
The date continues into the evening with the two of them having dinner. Vienna tells Jake how she wants to wait a few years to have children after she is married. Jake is thinking how he wants to make sure the passion he has for Vienna is not just sexual...ummm...buddy...we know it is. It's just a matter of time before you do, as well! ;)
My gag reflexes were seriously tested after Jake started asking Vienna what type of engagement ring she liked...setting, band, cut of diamond, etc. Did I miss something? Is Harry Winston at the resort with them? Then, he proceeds to tell the she-devil how he has fallen for all three women. Way to dangle the carrot in front of the horse...only to whip it back in a flash! Nice. She then proceeds to tell Jake how she can't picture herself not being with him in the end, and that she has fallen in love with him. Jake tells her how much he loves that she told him that, then pulls out the fantasy suite card. Vienna accepts, says how they need the time alone to get to know each other better, and practically sprints back to the suite. Ok...I threw that in. But you were all thinking the same thing! LOL
They head back to the fantasy suite, where Vienna says she has a surprise for him. She comes out in a skimpy white nightgown and practically throws him on the bed before slamming the door to the cameras. Again, not exactly how it happened...but you know they definitely didn't spend the night talking and sharing their deepest secrets with each other! Thank God we didn't see anything after she closed the door.
Now we get to the part where Ali calls Jake out of the blue. I love all of the carefully scripted lines they both used. Ali starts by telling Jake how 'she wanted to go back the second she left', and he tells her 'you drove away with a piece of my heart.' There was not a lot of lapsed time between the night Ali left to the day the call was made, yet Jake told her that 'when you left, it forced me to put what I felt for you aside.' Yes, my friends...this is true love at its very best!! ;)
It was sooo ridiculously obvious to a blind person that Ali had a scripted call to Jake, all for ratings. Does ABC think we're blind or not hip to these things? Please give viewers a little more credit than that. We don't live in a magic bubble...she left for a reason, plain and simple. The girl was destined for bigger and better. I say good for her. Smart girl. Run and don't look back!!
Last gag reflex testing moments...I promise! Jake telling Ali how he didn't think it was a good idea for her to come back because he had stronger feelings for the other women...and holding his head while saying it...made me want to hand him a statue and speech thanking ABC and the Academy for making him the most boring reality star of the year! How much more of this crap are we supposed to endure!? We know that scene will set the tone for the previews of next season's premiere of the Bachelorette! It's a win-win situation for Ali...you know ABC is not ready to let her fade into the woodwork. Ready or not...she will be back soon!
I won't even waste a lot of time rehashing the rose ceremony. It was obvious that Gia was going home...he's not letting go of sweet Tenley or Vienna the vixen. He told the girls that he was falling in love with all three of them for very different reasons, then sent Gia packing. He tells her that she is...wait for it...amazing, but that their relationship was start and stop and that he developed stronger feelings for the other women. Gia goes as far as saying that she doesn't think he made the wrong decision, yet she tells the camera as she is driving away in the limo that she is very shocked, crushed and confused. She'll get over it with an NFL player in no time! ;)
Jake goes back to Tenley and Vienna and tells them that they are going to the southern end of the island and that his family is coming to visit. I can't wait to see how they both are with his family! Should be interesting...:)
I am looking forward to the Women Tell All episode next week! All of the girls will be back, including Ali and bad girl Rozlyn. I wonder how much of that show will be edited as well! I can't wait to see if the gloves come off and the Lee Press-On Nails start to fly! I apologize for the delay in posting this update, but it's definitely better late than never. Until next time...take care and enjoy the rest of your week!